May day.

Came and went.
How?
It was fast.
Fun.
Crazy.
And filled with laughter.
Love.
And friends.

I´ve gotten stuff done.
I have a home.
I can´t believe it.
I am moving forward in graduating.
I usually don´t lack feeling.
But my thesis does.
How do I insert more feeling?
I feel like throwing up.
Reading and editing the thesis.
I want it to be done with.
Ush.

I came home to my parents.
To take it easy for one night.
Calm down.
Tonight I will O.D.
On sushi.
I guess I´ll move to my own castle next week.
The keys are in my pocket.


It was all black.
As it usually is.

Piece by piece.

I´m putting it all together.
I am seeing an apartment on tuesday.
I have ideas brewing.
I will create.
My school is almost completed.
The sun is shining.
I´m inspired.
It´ll be good.
Lykke Li is playing.
Somehow I have finally understood her.
Fully.
Sadness is a blessing.

I really do wish my view of the world.
And how I look at things.
Doesn´t change.
Even if I decide to stay in this pessimistic country.
I guess I´m good.
At least for the summer.

I just uploaded some pictures.

 
My new favourite person.
My sisters precious baby boy.

Miami hotel rooms.
I guess I was just testing to get the light right.

Airport views in Belize City.
Jesus is Lord.
What else can I say?

I miss the crazy and hilarious boys.
They´ll have another brother soon.

Random Caye Caulker rap music video shoots.
Protected by the law.

Our swim school days.

Jezih as the king of the world.
Or Caye Caulker.

Miami.

24 hours in Miami.

I'm wrecked.

And my credit card got stolen.

Here I sit at the airport.

Thirsty as shit.

Boarding in 10 mins.

Baby, I'm going home.

I feel people looking at me.

I look.

And feel.

Horrible.

And so tired.

P.S. I became an auntie yesterday!

My sister gave birth to an amazing human being.

Home coming.

I´m so restless today.
Feeling like it´s time to make a move.
I´m really scared too.
And maybe a bit upset.
I´m scared about going home.
I keep thinking that I have been away so long.
That I don´t fit in the picture anymore.
I sometimes feel like I have been away so long.
People just forget about me.
And I´m not a part of their lives anymore.
And when I´m back they´re not going to remember that I´m there.
What is my role in the big picture.
Will I find my place?
Makes me sad.
Worried.
I am regretting not going to Honduras.
And Nicaragua.
I will return.

Yesterday morning was all yellow. 

Futures.

The time came.
I had to sit down and plan the future.
I bought some flights.
I am returning home.
After escaping so long.
After 8 months of not seeing my loved ones.
It´s time.
I am scared.
To go back.
I am scared of having to deal with my life.
Having to deal with the next step in my life.
I wish someone could do it for me.
And tell me what I should do.
Where I should go.
I am a wanderer.
I can´t sit still.
I need adventures.
I know everything is going to work out.
I have been a bit upset the last days.
New people entered my life.
New amazing friends.
You create feelings.
And then it´s time for goodbyes.
Nothing here is permanent.

Sunsets on rooftops.
My heart will hurt when I leave him behind.
He has given and received so much love, I wish I could bring him home.
Pic by my friend Samuel. 

Don´t do canoe trips alone.
When it´s windy.
You might feel helpless.

Blurry FB picture.
But oh so pretty.
By Samuel. 

1 month.

Yesterday was my 1 month anniversary.
In Belize.
I had to go to the island next to this one.
San Pedro.
And get my visa re-stamped.
So now I am good to go for another month.
Let´s see what happens.
Life is so chill here.

But I am sometimes longing for the real life.
I am missing my inspiration.
It´s coming back to me.
As I just got a grant for 1500€ to do a photo project.
I am so excited.
It definitely is a sign that I need to do my thing.

I am missing home.
I am missing the states.
I am missing my people.
And my loved ones.
My bestie Pierre.
Left me.
It was a sad day.
Nothing is permanent.

I am so happy though.
On this trip.
I have met so many people.
People have touched me.
I have heard amazing stories.
I have met people from all over.
They have given me so much.
It´s been like therapy for me.

  
My dear Pierre soaking up the sun.
Oh yeah, we went on a cosy lil fishing/snorkeling trip with our friend Jacob last week.

My family at the moment.
Jeff & Nicole, on the left are the owners of the hostel, and they´re about to have a baby. 

Oh yeah, I got some new ink, quick decisions. 

All day, everyday.

There´s not much happening.
I am so chill.
And I have ended up staying in Belize.
For longer than expected.
I have started volunteering at the hostel.
I love this place.
I live for free.
In exchange for some dish washing.
Easy living.
I also started a process.
The writing process.
For my thesis.
So I can finalise my bachelors degree.
It´s hard though.
To decide to sit indoors and write on the computer.
When you look outside.
And see palm trees.
The ocean.
Blue skies.
Hammocks.
Am I really complaining?

Natural days with new details. 

My messy room, this picture is before I cleaned. 

The view from my room, the ocean. 

My two new babies. 

It feels like Sunday everyday.

I guess boredom took over a little bit.
So I arranged a pizza night at the hostel.
15 signed up.
And we made 9 pizzas.
Was fun.
Felt good to get a great communal feeling.
And the owners loved it.
I´m just stuck here.
But it´s ok.
I´m not in a rush to go anywhere.
Always this guilt.
Need to get over it.
I was awake until 5am.
I met a new friend.
From my home country.
And we sat up all night.
Talking about life in Finland.
Food in Finland.
My life.
His life.
Struggles of life.
But the consensus was.
Life is amazing.
I repeated (as I now do a lot),
out loud to remind myself:

"It´s the 25th of February.
It´s 11pm.
I don´t have a job.
I am in Belize.
It is a paradise.
Life is good"

I just have to keep reminding myself.
I guess I miss home.
In a different way than I have ever missed it.
Interesting.
New amazing things are coming my way.
I am feeling excited.
The world is my oyster.
Cheesy.
But it´s true.


My daily surroundings.

I went sailing.
And snorkeling.
And felt the breeze that I had missed.
I am in my element out on the ocean.

My room, with the sunset, ocean view.

Caribbean life.

I am on a paradise island.
Caye Culker, Belize.
No cars.
Island life.
I got here yesterday.
And I am staying at the coolest hostel.
Where it feels like we all are room mates.
So communal.
And everyone is super social.
I am so happy.
Meeting amazing people.
With a lot of stories.
And different experiences.
But still.
Here we are.
In the same place.
Belize is a cool place.
So different than Guatemala.
Feels like I am in Jamaica.
They talk in the same way.
And the vibe is what I would imagine in Jamaica.

I updated my flickr today.
No pics from Belize yet.
Soon to come.



Climbed few of these the other day.
Went there at 4:30am.

Met one of these at the top of the ruin.

Been remembering that I did need more color in my life.

And more color, in Flores, an island in a lake in Guatemala.

Bad restaurant choices, with good views.

I love my street food.
I taste the love.
And I love that this meal was in total $1,30

These ladies had a table full of amazing, mind blowing, home made food.

Basketball courts with lake views and sunsets, not bad.

I kept walking around saying WOW and AMAZING, which I do constantly now days.

My last picture, my departure from Belize city to Caye Culker.

Slow life.

I am so sorry. 

For the delay. 

The internet is not the best in the jungle of Guatemala. 

I will try to upload pictures now.

I arrived here Monday. 

After an entire day of being on a bus. 

My ass was hurting a lot. 

It´s a bumpy ride. 

I am in a place called Semuc Champay.

Jungle life. 

Beautiful lakes. 

Wildlife. 

Monkeys in the trees.

Tubing in the river. 

Seeing locals wash themselves on the way. 

I have had an amazing 2 weeks with my friend Lasse. 

Who is also an adventurer from my mother country. 

We parted yesterday. 

He took off early in the morning.

And I am now on my very own adventure. 

I miss him.

I miss the company.

But I will see him soon.

And now I am on my very own adventure. 

Tomorrow I will be on the bus again for 10 hours.

I will go to Flores, Guatemala. 

Then Tikal, mayan ruins. 

Then through Belize. 

Then from Belize to Utila, Honduras.

There I will do my open water certificate. 

Start diving. 

And then I´m heading to Nicaragua. 

The other day. 

I stood at the top of the waterfall. 

It looked like from a scene from the Blue Lagoon. 

Turquoise water. 

I looked up to my right.

I saw the trees moving. 

Four monkeys eating.

Holding on the branches with their tails. 

I looked to my left. 

A steep mountain. 

With gigantic trees. 

Reaching for the water. 

Loud sounds. 

Birds. 

Water. 

Wildlife. 

I said. 

I wish I could capture this very specific moment. 

So I could share it with you. 

So you could feel how my blood pulsates. 

So you could feel how fresh the air is. 

So you could feel the massive force of the waterfall. 

Vibrating through my body. 

So you could feel that very specific moment.

That tingling feeling of butterflies in your stomach. 

That moment where you say to yourself. 

"Where am I?". 

And "How did I get here". 

The only thing that came out of me. 

At that moment was. 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. 

Not the exact moment I described. 
But nearly. 
Please check out my Flickr for more pictures. 
Or Instagram. 
Also www.annikaoksanen.com 
Where I started a section. 

What day is it today?

I decided to participate in an acro yoga class.
Yesterday.
And that got me really excited.
Today.
Me and my friend did a private class.
With these two amazing teachers.
I feel like a kid again.
Playing in the jungle.


I crossed the lake the other day.

I chilled in a tent on the other side of the lake.

This is my home right now and this is where I sleep, upstairs.

This is the view downstairs, I currently live with two men as you can see from the pile.

The textiles and colours are amazing, and I fell for these shoes.
Yes, I am becoming more colourful and I love it.

Life.

Is amazing right now.
I´m surrounded by jungle.
In a really beautiful place.
In San Marcos, Guatemala.
I live in a little hut.
Sleep upstairs.
My bathroom.
And my shower is outdoors.
I did a hula hoop workshop last night.
And I walk bare feet.
I´m happy.


Cuteness overload.

Beautiful towns.

Black and colours.

Car rides.

Swimming in lakes.

Breakfasts.

No cars.

Nature´s gifts.
Crosses and towns.

Saints.

Markets.

Sentimental.

Sitting here.

Waiting for my friend. 

The airport is calling. 

I feel so strange. 

I did a big Miami night on thursday.

I will remember it forever. 

I did not sleep until 2pm yesterday.

Suffered all day. 

Everything is packed. 

I can´t even express how much I hate packing. 

I have done it more than "normal people". 

I never get better. 

I wonder if my backpack is too heavy. 

Maybe I´ll just throw stuff away on the way. 

I wish I could do a whole Miami dedication post. 

But you know what. 

I´m not really into that shit. 

It happened. 

You have seen it happen since I started this blog. 

Why look back. 

When I can look forward. 

Gracias Miami. 

You gave me a lot. 

I hated you a lot. 

I loved you a lot. 

I never fully understood you.

It´s time.

I got tear drops but I ain´t cryin. 

The chosen path.

Today is a good day.
Yesterday was not.
I got punished for choices I made.
I suffered.
I cried.
I said goodbyes.
Then I got up.
Realised I have done my share of crying.
No more.
I smiled.
I Giggled.
It led to laughter.
I stand firmly behind my choices.
And I am so happy.
I wish I could share this feeling with you.
Right now.
I am not sure when I have been this happy.
I am on the right path.
My belongings are on the path.
To Finland.
All I got is my backpack now.
My mantra for the whole year.
My 2014.
Don´t be surprised when we toast in July.
And I go "2014!!!!!!".

In other news.
I don´t need new socks.
But damn.
I love them.

All the secrecy is over.

Here it is.
Be privileged to find out.
Why I´ve been so quiet recently.
Besides my sickness.
I´ve had a hard time mentally.
You´ve heard my complaints.
I don´t think I´ve fully been happy.
For a very long time.
I have convinced myself for a long time.
That I am.
But I was just lying to myself.
Pushing real feelings aside.
And that made me depressed.
And it came fast.
And hard.
I had days where I didn´t want to get out of bed.
I just didn´t want to face my feelings.
Better to just sleep it all away.

A decision was made.
About 2 weeks ago.
There have been signs for a long time.
And one day something happened.
And it made me make the final decision.
And this is the biggest change.
Biggest decision I´ve ever made.
I have packed my whole life into boxes.
Yet again.
2 years fits in about 5 suitcases I would say.
And from that amount I have given away.
Loads and loads.
On saturday I´m throwing my backpack on my back.
My life as an assistant is over.
And I´m going to Guatemala.
And I´m totally free.
Free from everything.
I have no job.
No apartment.
No commitments.
All I have is a flight and my camera.
And we will make love.
Believe me.
I might graduate from school on the way too.

Do you know how it feels like?
To just have the road in tront of you?
I can tell you.
It´s all smiles.
I told you.
26 will be about me.

Throwback to Lombok, Indonesia 2011.
This feeling. 

My feelings can´t show.

I have been distant.
I am sitting here.
Just took the dogs out.
Listening to my friend Willis Earl Beals new album.
That he sent to me by email.
And commanded me to leak.
You really should listen.
His voice is magical.
He is an amazing person.
And he already is known.
But I do think he will grow to be even bigger.
Here´s the link. 
A place that doesn´t exist, is the album.
And my feelings can´t show is on repeat now.

My birthday happened.
Birthdays are always weird for me.
But this one felt so great.
Like 26 will be the most amazing year.
That´s how I felt.
I´m coming to life.
I got dressed up like a lady.
And had a fancy dinner.
And got filled with sake.
And got a little drunk.
And didn´t have my wallet the next day.
So it´s gone.
But you know what.
I won´t let that bring me down.
Things will sort themselves out.

Big changes are coming my way.
And that is also why I haven´t opened up my Etsy yet.
That has to wait for a while.

And I have a ticket to go to Guatemala.
Feb 1st.
Meeting up with a beautiful human being.
And exploring the wilderness.

My birthday fancy lady look. 

My birthday cake Nobu style.
And thanks to my friend Aiko who´s the manager I eat like a queen.
Spoiled queen. 

Saturday.

I have so much say.
And yet nothing.
So much going on in my head.
It´s overwhelming.
I miss someone a lot.
I went out on thursday.
One of those really random nights.
I needed to dance.
So that is what I did.
At a place called Rec room.
My friend was djing.
Then we danced some more in another place.
Treehouse.
Yesterday was a rough day.
And today still a little tired.
I am brown haired now.
And in a hurry to go over to a mansion.
And eat meatballs.

I am trying to set up my etsy.
It´s so much work.
Ugh.


This is very I will stuff my face with meatballs.
So pretty.

My cuties today.
Last night they cuddled me so much I could not move.

My tour dad Wayne is in Miami to record an artist.

Sometimes I wish someone would model for me when I see things I wanna capture.
And surroundings.
But sometimes I´m the only one around.
And today I am all black.

Etsy.

To be announced.
I am officially opening an Etsy shop.
As you know I love my thrift stores.
I have a couple of times sent clothes to a vintage shop in Finland.
Maybe I will still do that at some point.
But now.
I wanted to start my own.
So today was a photoshoot.
All day.
Not done yet.
Will try to get the store up and running asap.
Also will be producing more posters of my photographs.

Erikas old cheerleading jacket will be for sale in the shop.
Also shipping to Finland. 

Sold.

Today I was in Heat, Miami Heat.
And I am wearing yet again color.
Maybe it´s a habit.
ALSO.

I sold a poster of my NOPE piece.
Taken somewhere in a North Florida Field at 6am.
If you see anything on my annikaoksanen.com site that you would like to purchase.
Contact me through the site.
And we can go from there.

This feeling.

Sunday is my favourite day.
Waking up.
The sun is shining.
I take a walk.
It´s warm.
I get back home.
I put on a Bob Marley radio channel.
Never gets tiring.
He´s been in my life since always.
Travelled with me everywhere.
We even had a rough time with Bob.
I was working at a banana farm in Cooktown, Australia.
And they played "The Legend" on repeat.
I drink a glass of lemon water.
Followed by yogurt and granola.
Coffee.
I finish up some work.
I change.
Remembered my new red bikini.
I hop on my bike.
Head for the beach.
Feel the ocean breeze.
And do what I love.
Read a book.
And occasionally sit and admire people.
I am finally in a happy place.



I have been rocking this workout-
Housewife-
Dirty-
Homeless person look.
For many days.
And yesterday I can say.
Damn I looked good.