Pain.

When there's nothing to say.
Pain.
When there's nothing you can do.
Pain.
When you wish for something more.
Pain.
When you hope for the better.
Pain.
When tears stream down your face.
Pain.
When you wake up in the middle of the night.
Pain.
When you realise why you woke up.
Pain.
When you're not here.
Pain.
When you wake up in the morning.
Pain.
And you still feel the same.
Pain.

Livet.

Life just is.
And I´m happy.
Have I said that?

Midsummers went by.
Sauna.
Friends.
Lakes.
Ocean.
Wine.
Lots of wine.
Beer.
Lots of beer.
Did I say sauna?
Love.
Family.
Laughter.
Fishing.
Boating.
It was perfect.

I´m in love.
With here.
With this.
With him.

Now I´ll be stuck for the weekend.
Working at Tuska-festival.
Which basically means The Agony.
It´s all about.
Black.
Leather.
666.
Satan.
And most importantly.
Heavy metal.
It´ll be all rainbows and unicorns.



Midsommar place.

Midsommar company day 1.

Midsommar company 2.

Road trip views/mobile uploads.

Road trip company/mobile uploads.

Late night fishing company/mobile uploads.

Midsummer week.

Last week just happened again.
And I keep forgetting to update.

Last week was hectic.
Went to some shows.
The weekend was filled with this and that.

On Saturday my friend Lasse released his brand.
Clothes.
Valo.
Which means light.
It was a cool event.
Music.
People.
It was in an old factory.
I love old industrial surroundings.
I get so inspired.

Sunday was my fun day as usual.
I can´t even explain my love for sundays.
The feelings.
Anything´s possible on a sunday.
We woke up.
And when I say we.
I mean me and him.
We walked to the other side of the city, Kallio.
Ate good sunday homey food.
Drove to this area outside of town, Laajasalo.
And walked through these abandoned villas.
Amazing.
So many questions arise.
I personally want one of the villas.
By the ocean.
In the middle of the woods.
Peace and quiet.

This week it´s Midsummers.
Which basically means the summer is here.
It´s light and bright.
We get days off work.
And head to the promised land of the cabins.
We will visit his cabin by a lake.
And then my parents cabin by the ocean.
Feel the breeze.
Swim in the ocean.
Smell the forest.
Eat well.
Enjoy good company.
Sweat in the sauna.
Drink a few beers.

I´ve missed this.
Enjoy the views.


















My childhood friend Kalle, who´s very dear to me.

Dear diary.

I have been busy.
And happy.
And active.
And shit´s happened.

After a 6 year struggle.
I graduated school.
And I am now officially a graduated arts manager.
I went to school on friday.
Got the verdict.
Walked out in to the sunshine.
And tears started streaming down my face.
The joy.
The proudness.
The emotion of getting something accomplished.

I went out.
Friday night.
Danced all night.
To the tunes of Hercules & Love Affair.
I love the new nightlife in Helsinki.
Finally Helsinki is catching up to the rest of Europe.

Saturday.
Headed to the summer house.
By the ocean.
Bonfires.
Food.
Family.
Friends.
Sauna.
Skinny dipping.
And most importantly.
My love.

Here´s some weekend feelings.
Talk to you soon.








My parents summer house.
'
The bonfire was one of the key factors of saturday night.

Recently.

I´ve been making myself too busy.
I guess I have a tendency to do so.
I make too many plans.
And it brings me stress.
To have time to do everything.
When I sometimes just need time by myself.
Even the weekend went my so fast.
It was a good one though.
Really good one.
Sunshine.
Happiness.
And love.
PUSS.
Today I went to my parents summer house.
It was one of the most relaxing things I´ve done in a while.
It´s a paradise.


Porvoo.
Summer cottage.
And a handsome man.

Baby boo.

One of my favourite places in Helsinki.

Through the glass.
Street art.
And my boyfriend.
YES.
I have one.

I scream.

A lot has happened.
I can´t believe I´ve been home.
1 month.
I have my own apartment.
I have a job.
I have found a big liking in someone.
Somehow all of this happened in a blink of an eye.
I do feel happy.
I am smiling more than usual.
I am not planning any travels.
For a while at least.
I feel content.
I´m surrounded by amazing people.
They make me laugh until I cry.
Love.

Friday.
I went to see a show.
Huoratron.
I danced for a good few hours.
Saturday.
Up.
And out.
To eat a lot of different cuisines.
Restaurant day was here.
I have some plans for the end of the summer.
When it´s held again.
Then we chilled in the park.
Me and 3 other girls.
Good times.
Sunday.
Was today.
I spent my entire day at the flea market.
Not a lot of people came.
The weather was BEAUTIFUL.
So I didn´t make a lot of money.
Well, it´s ok.


Popcorn SHIRT.
Flea market finds.

She was for sale too.

Beautiful topped with some Aioli.
I have missed Tori.
Amazing food.

Icecream in Finland marks the start of the summer.
I did it on the beach as well, that´s huge.

Weird things happen.

Life sometimes surprises me.
Well a lot of times.
Always one step ahead.
You never know what´s around the corner.
I have a long to-do list.
I wish everything would be done.
By magically snapping my fingers.
Reality does not unfortunately work like that.
I am trying to proceed.
Still figuring things out.
At least I have many reasons to smile.
Continuously reminding myself.
Everything happens for a reason.

Always.
Kärlek.

May day.

Came and went.
How?
It was fast.
Fun.
Crazy.
And filled with laughter.
Love.
And friends.

I´ve gotten stuff done.
I have a home.
I can´t believe it.
I am moving forward in graduating.
I usually don´t lack feeling.
But my thesis does.
How do I insert more feeling?
I feel like throwing up.
Reading and editing the thesis.
I want it to be done with.
Ush.

I came home to my parents.
To take it easy for one night.
Calm down.
Tonight I will O.D.
On sushi.
I guess I´ll move to my own castle next week.
The keys are in my pocket.


It was all black.
As it usually is.

Healthy?

I woke up early.
I ran.
I made up for treating my body badly.
My mother asked me if I´m back in a healthy lifestyle.
I said.
I can always have one healthy day.
And a few bad ones after that.
HA!
Tomorrow´s a big day.
Have a few meetings.
And a presentation.
I´m happy I´m getting things done.
If I am really determined.
I can do anything.

The weekend was amazing.
Fun.
Spontaneous.
So surprising.
Filled with love.
And so rough.
I´m getting old.
NEVER.
I love.
A lot.

I missed this.

Piece by piece.

I´m putting it all together.
I am seeing an apartment on tuesday.
I have ideas brewing.
I will create.
My school is almost completed.
The sun is shining.
I´m inspired.
It´ll be good.
Lykke Li is playing.
Somehow I have finally understood her.
Fully.
Sadness is a blessing.

I really do wish my view of the world.
And how I look at things.
Doesn´t change.
Even if I decide to stay in this pessimistic country.
I guess I´m good.
At least for the summer.

I just uploaded some pictures.

 
My new favourite person.
My sisters precious baby boy.

Miami hotel rooms.
I guess I was just testing to get the light right.

Airport views in Belize City.
Jesus is Lord.
What else can I say?

I miss the crazy and hilarious boys.
They´ll have another brother soon.

Random Caye Caulker rap music video shoots.
Protected by the law.

Our swim school days.

Jezih as the king of the world.
Or Caye Caulker.

Happy?

I have been home.

Almost a week. 

It amazing.

It's beautiful.

And yet I am struggling.

After living 2 years away.

I feel like I have to find my role again.

Where should I live?

Who should I see?

What should I do?

It's made me so restless.

My recent years have made me restless.

I need a base.

I want to slow down. 

I think it's here.

My mind is scattered. 

And I'm completly lost. 

No one else around me is. 

And I feel so alone. 

Can you take my hand?

And lead the way.

I'd love to have a navigator.

To guide me through life.

I have missed all of this.

Final days.

My time here on the island is coming to an end.
I can´t believe it.
Feels sad.
But also very good.
I am excited.
Miami for a day.
And then back home.
It´s been forever.
Last time was in august.

Right now we have the coolest lady staying with us.
She made us lasagne.
She´s 72.
And has had an exciting life.
Tough life.
Has kids.
Grandkids.
Ex-husband.
Who cheated and got someone pregnant.
After 19 years of marriage.
And 5 kids.
She lost a son, who was 26.
She had a blood clot.
She had cancer.
She´s been healthy for 3 years now.
She sold everything she had.
Because she was bored of sitting alone at home.
And now she´s been in Belize for 7 months.
She inspires me.
And I´m happy I can have adult conversations with her.
I never got to do that with my grandparents.


Paradise continued.

Someone left their glasses behind, now they´re mine.

Jezih showed me how to catch small fish during sunset last night.

Luna, the hostel dog was in heat for 2 weeks.
And all the island dogs were here every night driving us crazy.
It´s finally over.

My old den.
I sleep in another little cottage now.

40k.

I wanna dive in Honduras.
I wanna do a yoga retreat in India.
I wanna road trip, again, in the States.
I wanna see friends in Australia.
I wanna surf in Nicaragua.
I wanna dance with locals in Jamaica.
I wanna island jump in Greece.
I wanna lay in a park by the lake in Lugano, Switzerland.
I wanna see the nature in Iceland.
I wanna take pictures of locals in Peru.
I wanna meditate in Hawaii.

This is where life is pulling me.
It´s not a holiday.
It´s a lifestyle.
Time.
Money.
Are you ready?

Thank you 40 000 people.
For following my adventures.

Home coming.

I´m so restless today.
Feeling like it´s time to make a move.
I´m really scared too.
And maybe a bit upset.
I´m scared about going home.
I keep thinking that I have been away so long.
That I don´t fit in the picture anymore.
I sometimes feel like I have been away so long.
People just forget about me.
And I´m not a part of their lives anymore.
And when I´m back they´re not going to remember that I´m there.
What is my role in the big picture.
Will I find my place?
Makes me sad.
Worried.
I am regretting not going to Honduras.
And Nicaragua.
I will return.

Yesterday morning was all yellow. 

Lazy haze.

Yesterday.
I was so determined to write.
On my thesis.
I have a week left.
I was so tired.
I woke up at 7am.
And at 10am I was back in bed.
I snoozed through the entire day.
Until I felt guilty and woke up at 5pm.
It was really needed.
Today I was even more determined.
And I really got a lot done today.
So many pages.
I feel positive.
I WILL GRADUATE.
Have to be double trouble bubble determined tomorrow.

You´re probably tired.
Tired of my turquoise pictures.
I guess I am a bit too.


Floating through life.

Never getting sick of these sunsets.

Same old, same old.

Futures.

The time came.
I had to sit down and plan the future.
I bought some flights.
I am returning home.
After escaping so long.
After 8 months of not seeing my loved ones.
It´s time.
I am scared.
To go back.
I am scared of having to deal with my life.
Having to deal with the next step in my life.
I wish someone could do it for me.
And tell me what I should do.
Where I should go.
I am a wanderer.
I can´t sit still.
I need adventures.
I know everything is going to work out.
I have been a bit upset the last days.
New people entered my life.
New amazing friends.
You create feelings.
And then it´s time for goodbyes.
Nothing here is permanent.

Sunsets on rooftops.
My heart will hurt when I leave him behind.
He has given and received so much love, I wish I could bring him home.
Pic by my friend Samuel. 

Don´t do canoe trips alone.
When it´s windy.
You might feel helpless.

Blurry FB picture.
But oh so pretty.
By Samuel. 

Basically.

Nothing changes.
Days look alike.
It´s saturday.
I´m not sure what to say.
Today I went to teach two small boys how to swim.
At one point I had three kids on my back while swimming.
It was a good workout.
I might go out tonight.
If the vibe is right.
Been so tired lately.
I have also been focusing on my school work.
17 pages down.
Proudness.
Life is simple.
And sweet.
And hot.


This is where I mostly just sleep.
And change.

I have a fan in my room.
Rarely use it.
Someone decorated the room with a xmas sock.

My precious baby.
I love him.

I have met a lot of beautiful people on my trip.
I wish I would have taken more pictures of them.
This is Lorenzo.
From Italy.

1 month.

Yesterday was my 1 month anniversary.
In Belize.
I had to go to the island next to this one.
San Pedro.
And get my visa re-stamped.
So now I am good to go for another month.
Let´s see what happens.
Life is so chill here.

But I am sometimes longing for the real life.
I am missing my inspiration.
It´s coming back to me.
As I just got a grant for 1500€ to do a photo project.
I am so excited.
It definitely is a sign that I need to do my thing.

I am missing home.
I am missing the states.
I am missing my people.
And my loved ones.
My bestie Pierre.
Left me.
It was a sad day.
Nothing is permanent.

I am so happy though.
On this trip.
I have met so many people.
People have touched me.
I have heard amazing stories.
I have met people from all over.
They have given me so much.
It´s been like therapy for me.

  
My dear Pierre soaking up the sun.
Oh yeah, we went on a cosy lil fishing/snorkeling trip with our friend Jacob last week.

My family at the moment.
Jeff & Nicole, on the left are the owners of the hostel, and they´re about to have a baby. 

Oh yeah, I got some new ink, quick decisions. 

What to say.

Here I sit.
In the kitchen.
I stare at the screen.
Look to my right.
The porch.
To my left.
The ocean.
Full on sunshine.
The hottest day so far.
But what can you do.
You have to dedicate yourself.
I have to finish this.
I have to graduate.
Tomorrow I have a Skype presentation.
And I think I´ve written about 13 pages.
I´m doing good.

I have also been taken over by a weird feeling.
A new feeling.
I miss home.
And when I say home.
I mean Finland.
My family.
My friends.
It feels so good.
I am excited to spend my summer there.
I feel adventurous.
I have so much love to give.
And I am ready to receive.

The last days have been good.
I have been fishing.
I cought two snappers.
I was so proud.
I was thought how to cut them up.
Prepare them.
And then I cooked them.
And ate them.

I also have had amazing people around me.
Saying goodbye is always frustrating.
The recent days my best friend has been a french dude.
Feels like a little brother.
And his name is Pierre.
We had a big party night the other day.
Went to a new local club.
The second one on the island.
I wish I could share all the stories.
And share the feelings.
We danced all night.

This is what I see right now from the porch.
Goddamn. 

All day, everyday.

There´s not much happening.
I am so chill.
And I have ended up staying in Belize.
For longer than expected.
I have started volunteering at the hostel.
I love this place.
I live for free.
In exchange for some dish washing.
Easy living.
I also started a process.
The writing process.
For my thesis.
So I can finalise my bachelors degree.
It´s hard though.
To decide to sit indoors and write on the computer.
When you look outside.
And see palm trees.
The ocean.
Blue skies.
Hammocks.
Am I really complaining?

Natural days with new details. 

My messy room, this picture is before I cleaned. 

The view from my room, the ocean. 

My two new babies.